fine

"How are you?" someone asked and I replied "Fine. Not bad," without a second thought. I did not find myself wanting to cry, muffling my voice, silently screaming in my head and avoiding eye-contact. How are you? I ask myself when I sit quietly on my balcony and sip my iced coffee while listening to arijitsingh. I do not get a certain answer. My heart fumbles and stammers and say that it's not been too bad. I make breakfast every morning and go out with my friends on Saturdays. My Mother calls me one Sunday and I visit my hometown. People ask about how work was going, and if I was dating someone new. Not one question about my well-being but I know that's how relationships work when they aren't chosen but forced upon you. I simply answer those questions and go back to my bedroom and open up my drawers. I found photographs from my school and university days. If someone saw them, they'd say that I didn't change a bit but I know why I looked so happy in my 3rd grade picture after we lost a match, and why I lost so much weight during my 4th year of college. Nobody else can tell it but I know that I have changed enormously. I close my eyes and my heart whispers "I can't wait to get out of here and go home." And then it hits me. All my thoughts evaporate and I find myself smiling, not knowing what I am exactly happy about. It hits me when I pack my bags suddenly and tell my Mother that there's a meeting I can't miss. It hits me when I say goodbye to everyone and sit on the airplane. It hits me when I reach the city and buy groceries on my way home. And it hits when I open the door and crash on my couch. I walk to my balcony and water the plants. I make some pancakes and sit in my dining room. I look at my bedroom and adore the posters and merchandise of my favourite shows all around the room. I open my drawer and smell my clothes that I bought without asking anyone if it would be fine to wear something like that and I realise that I have finally built a life for me. I know that I have a place that I call home, and there's a place where I can be myself without anyone else's input. I am glad that my heart asks me if I am fine multiple times throughout the day and on days when I am not, it nudges me to eat ice cream with my friends and buy more plants. I am not living my life half-heartedly anymore. My problems aren't going to disappear soon and I know that just like I know that the sun would rise again tomorrow but I also know that it's all right to take all the time in the world to be okay again. My therapist appreciates all my effort that I put into healing myself and becoming someone who I have always wanted to be. I know that this isn't the ending anyone would want, but at least it's a step forward. I am learning and growing. And when someone asks how I am doing, I gently nod and reply "Fine. Not bad." This time, my heart answers it with certainty.

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