Older self

Dear older self,
I hope you find this letter someday, and I hope that you are happy and content with your life when you find it.

I have pretended my whole life to be fearless, and when the situation actually arrives I freeze to death. I hope you aren't the same, I hope you have stopped pretending.

I hope that you have learnt to stand up for yourself. People have mocked me, and I just can't be mean. They treat me like I don't matter, like I am nothing. I try to ignore, but I am hurt most of the times. And the people who hurt me are generally the ones I love. Sometimes, I really want to say something but then I can't. I hope that I learn to speak for myself.

I hope you are no longer tramautized by your past. I have done awful things, made terrible choices in my life in the past and I am constantly choked by this feeling—this feeling that I have already ruined everything because of what I've done in the past. I hope that in future, I learn to stop people from using my past to invalidate the person that I have become. I have grown, and I have been a great person now. I am just terrified that someday I will be really happy, and that day someone will come with a storm and devastate my entire life, and I would be left with nothing because people will judge me as the person that I was. I hope that in the future, I outgrow this feeling.

You know what, people adore me now and they keep telling me to write a novel or something like that. I have never had that kind of faith in me, you know. I don't know if I can really write something that makes some sense and makes them feel differently. I hope that you are capable of doing that now. I hope that you have learnt to have faith in yourself.

Remember the time when you used to save all those youtube travel videos, and those  instagram pictures of travel bloggers? I hope that by now you have visited 17 countries at the least and that you have find peace in all your trips. And if you haven't, what are you doing?

I love him, I love him so much that for the first time in my life, it doesn't hurt me. It makes me feel how grateful I am. I hope that you are still with him, and I hope when you wake up, you find that love in him everyday and you cuddle and fight, but you don't lose the spark. I hope it's still like that. And if not, if you are single then don't worry. You are going to be just fine. Remember, you always wanted a life with cats and a little adopted daughter? You know that a partner doesn't make you happy, it just makes you feel a little better. I hope that you still remember that.

I hope that you have done all the things that you wished to do, and I hope that you have learnt to say 'no' and you have stopped being awkward around people, and you have started loving yourself. I hope that you aren't killing yourself anymore with that huge pile of feelings that you have been carrying in your heart. I hope that you have learnt to let go, and you have learnt to hold on. I hope that, by now, you own a little restaurant full of books in Manali and that you have learnt to cling to your dreams. I hope you are everything that I need you to be, and I know that it’s an awful lot of pressure on you. And I am writing this letter to you, because there are a thousand things about me that I need to change, I want to grow. And I am just reminding you that if you haven't reached there yet, sooner or later you will need to.

And don't be disheartened if you find this letter and you realise that you aren't the person that you hoped to be, I just want you to know that if you are still alive, you are doing okay. No matter what happens, you will be there to pick yourself up.

Isn't that all that matters?

Yours,
Younger self.

Feeling lost and found

To anyone out there who feels completely lost and confused right now,

Hey there. First of all, I don’t know if anyone has told you this but let me remind you, it’s absolutely okay to feel however you’re feeling right now. It’s okay to feel lost, to feel like you have absolutely no clue where to go from here or what to do. It’s okay to lie on your back, to stare at the white walls around you and wonder what’s wrong every single day. It’s okay to feel so damn tired that your mind cannot process one single rational decision because you’re starting to lose faith. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel a bit  ashamed or bad for how you feel. It’s your right to have feelings and no one has a say in it.

Maybe I don’t know exactly what you’re going through but trust me when I say that I know how it feels. I know how ridiculous it is to be out of your mind and not be able to have one coherent thought. I know how bad it feels when you want to forget everything that’s wrong in your life and start anew but the past just keeps dragging you back. I know how it feels to lose trust in someone who meant so much to you. I know how it feels when you realise that no one is down for you the way you think they are. I know how it feels  to be silently screaming and crying but not being able to say it out loud. I know how it feels to be drowning in your own sorrow. I know how it feels to think that you’re the worst human being alive. I know that you think you don’t deserve happiness and I know you question your decisions every single day.

But hey, don’t even for a split second think that you’re a bad human being. No one is perfect. Hell, we’re human beings and we’re bound to have flaws, to make mistakes. We are fated to make wrong decisions. We are destined to sometimes trust the wrong people and let them in. It’s not your fault. You trusted them and thought that they were good. It wasn’t your fault that they proved you wrong. It’s not your fault that you cared so much and loved so hard, that you made them a part of your small family and gave them your time.

I know it hurts so much when you realise that people are not how you think they are. But darling, that is how some people are. They are selfish and fake. They will stay with you because of how special you make them feel and they know you will always be there for them. It’s not your fault that you were always forgiving and you could never treat them bad and so they said whatever they wanted to you. It’s their bad that they took you for granted and it’s their loss.

You’re not stupid for caring so much, for loving so hard, for being so quick to trust, for listening to your heart and always giving them a smile and being there for them when you were breaking apart yourself. That’s how humans are supposed to be. Not the other way around. So don’t ever think you’re wrong to be yourself. Someday someone will come along who will love you just for who you are and you will be glad that you didn’t change throughout these dark days.

I know you’re your worst critic. You judge yourself harder than anyone ever would. You judge yourself every moment of your life. But please know that it’s okay to get mad, it’s okay to overthink, it’s okay to be sensitive and emotional and feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to be jealous sometimes. It doesn’t make you a bad person it just shows that your love is genuine. It’s okay to be paranoid because you fear of losing the closest people of your life. It’s okay if you unintentionally slip out a lie to get out of a toxic situation. It’s okay to cry when someone says something hurtful. It’s okay to say how you feel without a barrier.

Please know that you are supposed to do what’s good for you. Yes, you have to be there for others and care for them but you cannot go around loving everyone else but you. You can’t burn out everything in you for them. You need to understand that you need to light up first in order to spread the warmth out to others. I know you give pieces of yourself to fix others but sweetheart do not break yourself too bad. Please make sure that they are always willing to do the same for you on the days when you start to fall apart. Because the world is so cruel and people are so selfish that they cannot see anything beyond themselves.

So it’s not an option rather an obligation to love yourself. To care for yourself. It’s okay to be angry at people who hurt you and not be able to forgive them. It doesn’t make you an unforgiving ass. They hurt you even after you gave them chances after chances and honestly, there is only so much you can take. So if you cut out some people in order to leave the toxicity they add in our life, it’s okay. If you want to leave a place because it doesn’t make you feel good, it’s okay.

Just take care of yourself. Be with the people who love you for who you are. You’re still so young and you have such a long way to go. Trust me, your life will end up to be so much more beautiful than you can ever believe.

Just have faith. Just hold on.

Everything will be okay. You will be okay.

Recalling

And, I realised how every single person is recalled. You'll never know who thinks about you when they watch the golden rays piercing the lilac skyline, or when they sit on the beach watching the sun meeting the horizon. You will never know how happy you can make someone with your one reply, or one hug and how much they get affected when there's even a single little frown on your face. And you will never know how much you will be missed, or how many conversations you will be in of other people and they'll think of you, and you can never wonder how beautiful you are to someone who never says it out too loud but wishes to see your dark brown eyes almost everyday as they drink coffee, and god knows how much they love you and how much it consumes them to love you like that.

No one ever thinks about their significance in the lives of the people they've touched. But just because people don't talk about it all the time, it doesn't mean that your existence is unimportant to them.

So here, next time when you think that you are easily forgotten or that you won't be in someone’s memories, remember that when you visit someone's life, even if it's for transient period, even if it's for one-sixth of a minute— you remain there; sometimes as a part of a huge memory and sometimes you are the memory, and then you and your memories gently curl up and stay in their hearts and minds, at times without mindfulness, and own up a place in their life that nobody else can replace."

Feelings

ONE MESSAGE

Everytime my phone vibrates
I just open it hoping it's a message from you.

Everytime I see one message notification I wish it shows your name.

Everytime I sleep, I keep my phone beneath my pilllow and I place my ear exactly above it so that I don't miss any message from you.

Everytime I see your name highlighted with a new message ,I try hard to control my heart beat and so my smile so I don't look stupid to the people near me.

Everytime I see that one message from you I just go senseless.

Everytime I eat, I eat in a hurry so that I don't reply late to you.

Everytime I see a message from you, I just stick to my phone with a weirdest yet the strongest smile on my face.

But, have you wondered how one message from you always makes me free to talk to you?

Have you ever wondered why I am never sleepy when you message me even at the wee hours of night?

Have you ever wondered why I always say , I have taken my meals before you texted?

I guess, you haven't wondered yet and you will never ever think about this.
But , let me tell you ,one single message from you still makes me smile and my day worth living.
(I'm so in love with you , I hope you know)

Yours
Someone who loves you unconditionally

Letter to old friends

A letter to my Friends in High School

If people heard us saying we're best friends forever,  they'd point to us that there is no such thing as forever among friendship in highschool. We'll go to college,  meet new friends and then we forget.

But I don't think they're ever right because our friendship may be the same as what others have, but we're a different set of people bounded by numerous memories and wholesome genuinity and love.

That's why my dear friends, I write this letter telling you that we will prove everyone wrong.

We were strangers when we first met, our differences made barricades that made it impossible to go pass.  But through the years,  we've leaned not to break them apart but to go over them and make bridges instead. We've become each other's therapy and in our little moments spent, we knew each other by heart,  we know each other by the back of our hands and we communicate in many forms of languages that only we can understand.

Though we're taking different roads,  I know for sure that they would end up together on some points. Our memories that bonded us with invicible ties are as strong as any magnets on earth. We are each other's magnetic north and whether we separate or not,  know that I'm always here,  always present. You can always find me up north.

The stroms of life is enevitable and the challenges rises as we go further through life. Let's make our frenship as the source of strength in everyday. Let us inspire eachother to grow without bound and to see life's wonderful mysteries.

My friends,  don't you ever think that I value less of you by the day. Distance may be a space in between but our laughter together is proof that there is no such distance that can erase that from our faces.

When I look at your eyes in tears right now, I see life's beauty. I see our time and moments flash before my eyes and for a second,  I wanted to go back, to stop time,  just to revisit the little places we've shared.

But no,  that would be wrong. We must face life forward,  no matter what. We will together prove that we are strong enough to walk hand in hand in the storms of life.

We may lose numerous people as we go forward, some  may even become stangers but if I see you walk by the street, I'll remember the time we talked about our future. I'll remember the time we spent birthdays together. I'll remember your favorite color and reminisce the embarrassing past. And when I do, I'll share coffee with you and talk about them again,  and again until those memories are etched in my head and let the new ones be welcomed.

I'll remember you whenever I smell the sweet scent of the grass,  I'll remember you when I see a campfire, I'll even remember you by the sole of my shoes. I'll tell my friends about your jokes, tell my children about our adventures and I'll always keep you in my prayers.

You see,  everywhere I look,  I remember you and that alone is enough for me to feel that you are close.

When you see me.

If you need me.

If you fall in love.

If you decide to settle down.

If you made the life's worst.

Think of me and come to me because I owe you a great debt.

And that is for choosing me to be your friend.

I may meet new people in my life but in my heart,  you will have a space bigger than any of them.

Best of luck,  my friends and may we meet again

Your Loving Friend,
Rajat chandra...

Maturity...

I thought I'd grown up when I started using a single line notebook for languages instead of the 4 line one.

I thought I'd grown up when I switched from pencil to pen in the school.

I thought I'd grown up when the support wheels were taken off from my bicycle.

I thought I'd grown up when I switched from a tunic to a pant.

I thought I'd grown up when my mom stopped receiving me at the bus stop.

I thought I'd grown up when I first bought a wallet.

I thought I'd grown up when I switched to an analog watch from a digital one.

I thought I'd grown up when I was allowed to go to the classes with my friend on a two-wheeler.

I thought I'd grown up when I was sent to live in a different city.

I thought I'd grown up when I bought my first pair of heels.

I thought I'd grown up when I kissed someone for the first time.

I thought I'd grown up when every decision I made wasn't cross questioned.

I thought I'd finally grown up,

I thought...

Caste.....

So many names, and so many divisions!
Do they actually speak of culture?
Or do they actually speak of pride?
Oh, maybe, they unite and take humanity forward?

Thousands of names and one real meaning – division?
Thousands of names and one real outcome – suppression!
Why not accept when the system is flawed?
Why not fight against that very flawed system?

Be it ancient, be it modified or incorporated,
The system is dead and it has to be burnt!
Why to carry a legacy so false?
Why to carry a legacy so fake?

Nair, Iyer, pandey, yadav, shah, devar, udaiyar
goundar, agarwal,  reddy, nadar, soni – and what not?
Surnames are not these; caste names are these!
The time is right to earn your pride – not by birth but by being just!

Pride is not by birth, but by the life you choose to live.
The time is right, to stand up together.
The time is right, to throw away those caste names.
The time is right to burn and burry the evil forever.

Birds and trees are all our caste!
Tigers and lions are all our caste!
So many species and so many purpose,
Why to divide humans alone on  baseless theories?

The elders won’t listen, for it is in their blood!
The elders will follow for they will have no choice.
Neglect those names that carries caste.
Neglect those certificates that defines your birth.

The world is one, and blessed are we.
This life is one, and blessed are we.
Meant to love, and to spread that love,
When the time is to live, why to divide and destroy?

Can we still be the only nation that holds caste system?
Can we still be the only nation that carries caste based surnames?
Come forward, the new society is defined already.
Be part of it, or be prepared to be left behind!

Let them love and let them decide,
For marriage is a right they own - and they own together!
Let them love and let them live
Not more this caste, and not more this false legacies!

The progressive India shall decide the progress!
The progressive Indians shall decide the progress!
For real progress is in not in sending satellites.
For real progress is in creating a society of equals.


Is there any purpose of your education -
If you don’t urge yourself for a better and equal society?
Is there any purpose of your freedom -
When the will and right to take your decision doesn’t’ exist?

Love, knowledge and Just – Hold them in abundance,
And you are the superior creature of all!
Let the devils of past burn, and let it burn from inside you.
Let a new society bloom, and let it teach love.

Let us be humans and humans alone.
No more shall we divide and name ourselves under caste.

........

Save the butterflies..

I do and have always mocked that "Save the girl child" slogan. Judge me if you may, but is it my fault that everytime I come across it, my mind adds to it something we've all, perhaps, been ignoring ever since: "save the girl child so that you can rape her"? I know and I hate that this is the most pessimistic thing I could ever say or believe but who made me say it? Who made me believe in it? That guy who stares. That woman who asks me to stay inside. That friend who avoids going out after five. My father who calls me to ask if I'm okay. My mother who changes seats in the cinema hall if there's a guy sitting next to me. The society. The conditions. The reality.

I'm not certain if dreams come true, but I know that nightmares certainly do. The reality we live in, isn't it worse than the ugliest of nightmares? A girl, just born, raped. A lady, sixty something, raped. A little boy, raped. Raped. You know what has been raped? Humanity.
It's unbelievable.
How could anyone?
How could any human do it?
How could anyone become so hungry that he is ready to eat lives?
Did his hands not shake?
Did his mind not stop him?
Did the screams, the tears, the requests not melt his heart?
How could they not?
It's scary how a human being can harm another in a way that's beyond imagination or acceptance. Something definitely is, very, very wrong with this world. And the sad part is, there's nothing that has been able to change it. Helplines, police, governments, decent clothes(most unexpectedly)- nothing. It's heart wrenching to see how we've come to terms with it, how it has become more important to discuss religion and make laws on the same than DOING something about women's safety.
Sure our country is developing but our people are degrading. It gives me shivers to know that while I'm typing this, somewhere, some life is being destroyed, some 'man' is satisfying his hunger, some cries, requests, screams are being unheard and crushed.
I don't know how things will change, I don't know if I'm being too pessimistic (or realistic here), but I do know that something is wrong. Something needs to be changed. Something has to be done. For you, for me and for that girl/guy out there.
#Birds that are born in a cage,
Thinks that freedom is a crime...